Be My Own Muse

I’m back, to blogging. If you write, then you understand the feeling of being tired of your own writing. I gave Book one a rest and while I am working on Book Two, I also want to write and have a fluid space.

For now, I’ve archived all my old blog posts to subscription only.

I have been online dating, if you want to call it dating. Modern dating is interesting.

There was Red Flag guy, may make a post about common red flags, including ones I tend to overlook. Then there was Bad Breath Guy, and it makes me wonder what are some immediate turn offs? Is there things someone can do, or have that immediately sends you running? Then there’s the question of if things are even Red Flags. We like these buzz words, Narcissist, Red Flags, Ghosting. Ok, maybe we don’t like the last one. Some things may not even be red flags but are we conditioning ourselves to shut off from connection with little provocation? Maybe some of these should go in a category of what to watch for.

Am I just lonely? I promised myself that I would not settle. So, I look for signs. This can be silly, causing me to find signs where there are none. Flowers, if he brings me flowers though, I’d know he’s the one. And this begs the question, am I just lonely? Is the bar too low? This is where I need to check in with my desires from a partnership.

Opening doors and taking charge is a good start. Maybe with the way dating is setup now it’s unrealistic to expect someone to meet you and pinpoint to you, forsaking all others. Love takes time and true lasting connection develops slowly. I know all this. I understand I have an unhealthy tendency to want too much too fast, I don’t desire unhealthy connection. I can’t help but hope that the man for me would be so enraptured there could be no other.

So I take time to wonder if I do in fact like him. Does he embody the characteristics I wish from a partner. Is he the type of father I want to share parenting duties with. Time answers these questions. Pursuit fills the gaps and hope keeps faith alive.

I enjoy this time of year as the weather cools. I ignore the television and watch the wind as leaves dwindle on the trees. Rest comes more easily if we listen to the moon.

All the advisements, online and from friends say to “make a roster” and keep my options open or something to this nature. I understand the premise, I see through experience why this is advice that could come to positive results for most. I can’t seem to hold to it myself. Maybe I am still naive, to feel so closely connected to another. Yet, I do not feel at home with most. Once warmth, connection, and laughter are enjoyed in continuity, sigh of relief expelled at safety, I want to bathe more in that. The same way I sit and smile with the sun lingering warmly on my face, I’d like to stay nestled in your embrace.

-A.